suicide note on myspace

[TheFiresInTheSky]

Editor's Note: Suicide notes are usually written to intimates. In the case of one young man who just killed himself in Orange County, Calif., the suicide note was posted on a popular social networking Web site. PNS contributor Milan Gagnon reports as one of millions of people who followed the suicide online. Gagnon is a writer based in Prague.

 

Czech Republic--At 8:14 a.m. on Nov. 29, Joshua Anson Ballard posted his final bulletin on the Internet social-networking site MySpace.com. Ballard, who took the online identity "you BROKE my LIFE," followed his subject line, "do me a favore [sic] ....", with a body that read:

 

"call the police.

Address ... Abadejo, Mission Viejo, CA 92692.

tell them to go down the hall to the bathrooom.

im soo sorry<3"

 

About 15 minutes later, according to the Orange County coroner's office, Josh, 17, killed himself with a gunshot to the head. Within minutes, MySpace, which promotes social interaction among young people and is popular with teenagers, was alight with messages about the suicide. Here in Prague, I saw a note about Josh on MySpace and checked it out.

 

By 10 p.m. the night of his death, Josh was being eulogized.

 

He killed himself over a girl "and other things," writes Flower King Of Flies on MySpace, who says the death was preventable. "This could of ben stoped," he says via a Myspace comment page that has become Josh's memorial. "All the people that knew didnt do s**t. i had a good time with u in ceramics. f--- all your friends that did nothing."

 

So it goes, Josh's life splayed out on the black backdrop he'd created as his space.

 

According to his words, Josh loved "girls who cry"; was married; was 8 feet, 11 inches tall and made $250,000 a year or more. Josh was a smartass. He posted self-portraits that featured him at his emo-kid best: shaggy hair, pouting lips, intentionally blank expression. He posted an ad for a clothing company called Emo Police that featured a man hanging from the P.

 

Emo, a 20-year-old sub-genre of punk rock, didn't kill Josh, even if emo songs are mostly un-ironic paeans to self-pity. Kids kill themselves whether they listen to country or classical. The death-trip soundtrack can easily be Snoop Dogg or Slayer; on Josh's page, it's Senses Fail.

 

Josh wanted. He sought attention by posting surveys in his blog with categories like "Would you ..." and questions like "stick up for me if I was being put down?" In another, he queried friends as to whether they loved him, had crushes on him, etc. The surveys, common among Myspace teenagers, mean little more than that the kid dug compliments. Craved 'em.

 

Sixty-two times he was eulogized -- sometimes with just one line, sometimes with just a word -- in the first 17 hours. "i'm speechless," wrote Kelsey, a 17-year-old from San Juan Capistrano who enjoys "good times." "Rest in peace, Josh." Rach, who posted seven farewells in those hours, told him, "It says you broke my life - well you broke ours."

 

I didn't know Josh, should never have. Wouldn't have, had a former source in Idaho not posted a bulletin from her Myspace account. "this is the most horrible thing i've ever seen," Tori'd headlined it, using haphazard Myspace capitalization. "Honestly," wrote the former Orange County teen who'd received it as a forward from a friend. "It will make you sick to your stomach." I read it, braced for some banal but benign forwarded joke.

 

Now I know Josh, know that his friend YOUR KISSES MAKE MY HEART STOP says he was the happiest guy around. He protected her from mean guys at school, protected her from spiders, always told her to smile. "unfortunatly we had a scary about 4 days ago he atemted suicid and failed we were all on his back ever since but this mornig right before school he posted this on a bulliton ..." she wrote me. "as soon as my friend rach saw that she told mimi and mimis mom call the police and drove up to his house (they live 1 street up from each other) she found it was to late. if i could telll josh one thing is that i love you and i wish that you could have send the people that hold you dear to there hearts. you always seid that nothing is as bad as it seem."

 

Kids type quicker than they think. They bleed words, don't contrive them, and, even if I disdain Net-speak, I have the luxury of never needing to type so frantically. Immersed in his requiem, not 30 hours after he did what he did, I know Joshua Anson Ballard. With his suicide announced on an Internet bulletin, his life remembered in a series of hastily typed prose that comes in blurbs and missives, and his loved ones handling their grieving through instant messages and blogs, will forever words be left on his Web page rather than coins or roses on his grave? We'll have to visit every Nov. 29.

what used to be the kids myspace

 

i stole the above post from http://www.forumopolis.com

[New_Age]

Usually those types are Emo. and goth type people. I feel sorry for them. I don't quite understand why they end up hating them selves. I watch a thing on those types of people on TV before. It's like Wow to me.

[rridgely]

I think its just a way to get attention. If you life sucks as bad as they think theirs does then get off your ass and do something about it. Thats just the way life is, no ones life is perfect and the only way to make it better is to do something about it. Most of the time these people don't even have it all that bad, they just act that way because they think its cool. Sounds to me like this was a stupid kid who didn't think about what he was doing fully.

 

I won't say music is the cause though because I don't believe a song can make you do anything. I do think people listen to music that they relate to, want to relate to, or connect with, so no it doesn't surprise me that people with this outlook are doing crap like this.

 

If your self pitying yourself all day what kind of thoughts do you think your going to have?

 

This is just another example of the freaks that hang out on myspace.

Sorry had to throw it in there. Yeah I know everyone on myspace isn't like this but come on.

No I'm not happy this kid killed himself but I have a hard time feeling sorry for someone that kills themself when there are people dying prematurely of disease that would do anything to live, and this person just throws their life away.

[TheFiresInTheSky]

actually, i think music has some effect on stuff.

a survey said something like teens that listen to songs about sex are 40% more likely to have sex.

so maybe its the same principle.

[New_Age]

actually, i think music has some effect on stuff.

a survey said something like teens that listen to songs about sex are 40% more likely to have sex.

so maybe its the same principle.

Hold that right... there! On VH1, there were these Lyrics to a song I heard. I forgot the name but it was about sex and me and my brother were like... whoa! All this time it was about sex and instead of Basketball

 

But yeah I would agree. Music can and mostly does take effect on some. For me though... nope.

[1984]

Remember that not everyone starts off at the same "station" in life.

 

Ive been lucky enough to come from a family (both parents still married to eachother-38 years), no abuse, im white (yes, raciscm does exist), and my family has always been financially able.

 

not everyone is that lucky. there are so many people with mental illness, fas (fetal alcohol syndrome) and such that they start life with a disadvantage. when you dont have an emotional, intellectual,and (yes) financial support system, it is so much harder to "help" yourself.

 

those of lucky enough to have computers should really take a good look at themselves. there are so many people out there that dont have the basic necessities of life.

 

its really eyeopening and heartbreaking to see children 3 and 4 years old wandering the street at 2 am and when you go to their homes their parents are wasted and there is nothing in the refrigerator and there like 30 people sleeping on mattresses all over the house. these kids dont even stand a chance and they grow up just like their folks.

 

compassion for those less that are not as "together" as us is what really discerns a "good" person in my opinion. just my two cents folks.

[rridgely]

Remember that not everyone starts off at the same "station" in life.

 

Ive been lucky enough to come from a family (both parents still married to eachother-38 years), no abuse, im white (yes, raciscm does exist), and my family has always been financially able.

I get what your saying, I guess I've started in the same situation but I've always gone by the belief if you want something or want something to change do it yourself, don't sit around and complain about it. Maybe my fortunate situation and guidance is what allowed me to have this belief, but I like to think its because I worked my ass off to acquire it.

 

not everyone is that lucky. there are so many people with mental illness, fas (fetal alcohol syndrome) and such that they start life with a disadvantage. when you dont have an emotional, intellectual,and (yes) financial support system, it is so much harder to "help" yourself.

 

those of lucky enough to have computers should really take a good look at themselves. there are so many people out there that dont have the basic necessities of life.

But this kid is on myspace(so he has internet, and a computer.) so I don't think he was starving or living in a shack. He may of not been treated like a king but he probably wasn't having it too bad. That doesn't mean he

wasn't mentally ill or something(but that wasn't in the article).

 

its really eyeopening and heartbreaking to see children 3 and 4 years old wandering the street at 2 am and when you go to their homes their parents are wasted and there is nothing in the refrigerator and there like 30 people sleeping on mattresses all over the house. these kids dont even stand a chance and they grow up just like their folks.

Believe me these are not the situations I was referring to. I have a few teachers in my family and the stories I hear from some of them about the way some of the kids' home life are seriously gets to me. I'm not objecting to helping these people out and I have done so on various occasions but its the people that have it good that do nothing but complain that angers me. Which is why the self pitying "emo" as someone above stated group bother me.

 

compassion for those less that are not as "together" as us is what really discerns a "good" person in my opinion. just my two cents folks.

Couldn't be more true.

[New_Age]

I agree with the both of you

 

Through my life i was thrown around. Like nobody cared about me. Like that feeling when you felt there was no life. I'm goin to adment here that I am not Normal. I was born 3 months early. Yes.. I am in special Ed but I feel I don't need to be. I'm normal but I just learn abit slower. See, over the years I've been beatin up by many. My friends which I have alot of supported me through my darkest times. Now as I'm a 19 year old I hold in my soul a mind of a 16 year old. Yes it's weird. I'm 19 and I have the feelings of a 16yr old or... something like that. You get it right? Well, now here i lay myself down and focus on my future and my goals. Yes, there is that one special girl out there who supports me. That is my GF.

[1984]

Thanks for sharing New Age.

 

rridgely, i guess my point in a roundabout way is that a young man like you, because of your "station" in life, was/is installed with the basic mental structure whereas you "want" and "need" to work hard to better yourself.

 

but when from a child on, all you see is strife, family violence, are beaten, abused, neglected, poor, etc. you are not instilled with the "need" or "desire" to better yourself the same as someone that is more fortunate.

 

its kind of like trying to build a new home on a foundation of sand. its so much more work, and requires extra help. and sometimes its so frustrating that people just give up and perpetuate the cycle of instability.

[rridgely]

I guess without being in that situation I can't understand. The problem I have is that I know plenty of people who were born into that situation and are managing to work hard enough to get themselves out of it.(went to college, got good jobs, ect.) Is it fair that some have to work harder then others? No, of course not but then there is the old saying...(I'm not going to say it.)

 

But it is possible to be successful if you start off on the bottom. I see examples of it every day, so blaming your starting point can't be the only thing. Or maybe the people who do make it out are just extraordinary, I don't know.

 

It's a hard thing to decide. I'm not saying that you shouldn't help people, I think you should do anything you can to help someone. But if their not willing to help themselves, well I'm not willing to either.

[TheFiresInTheSky]

its like me.

every single thing that ive got, i worked for it and bought it myself.

its kinda unfair that my parents dont buy me anything but necessities but im willing to work hard for it.

shoot, i even had to pay part of our internet costs..

[Essense]

First of all, i think that people like the one on myspace, should not use internet for sharin' stuff like that!

if you want to die, you need help, and my advice is you go to a doctor. maybe some friends can listen and talk with you about your problems, and sharin' makes it easier to carry things. but sharin so intimate stuff on the net is not the best thing to do. people that don't know you can't help, and in fact somebody that doesn't know you has nothing to do with emotional stuff of that kind.

 

anyway, i feel sorry for the kid, but it's posted before: if you're not willing to help yourself, you cannot expect help from anyone else. And then you should not ask for it or complain. look i can understand you are not able to help yourself, but if you ain't got the will or motivation to get better, it just looks like you don't take yourself/ your problems serious. In fact it comes down to this: if you don't love yourself enough to want to get better, how can you expect someone to do that in your place?

 

i think music can do something but hell, if it takes you out of reality, don't listen to it.

 

i think everyone, no matter where you come from, is able to work yourself up, and chose between good and evil.

 

to those people:

 

love yourself, don't get stuck in your own world, open your eyes, and look around, bacause (like the mspace kid said):->

 

nothing is as bad as it seems

[Andavari]

if you want to die, you need help, and my advice is you go to a doctor.

 

Yup!