Element : Woman

[Humpty]

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS

DATA SHEET

 

ANALYSIS

Element: Woman

 

 

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions

 

 

Physical Properties

1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.

2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if used incorrectly.

5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.

 

 

Chemical Properties

1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.

4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.

5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

 

 

Common Use

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

 

 

Tests

1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state.

2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.

 

 

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other

[Tunerz]

Humpty do you know the link of the image? I know I saw one in a forum.

[DennisD]

I would have said that's cracking find Humpty, but I seem to remember the term "Hospital Food" from somewhere a short while back.

 

Watch your back mate.

[hazelnut]

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

-----------------------------------

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty

6. In Good Shape

7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things

9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises

10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

-----------------------------------

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant

4. Listens more than he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

----------------------------------

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on most weekends

 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

----------------------------------

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting

5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

----------------------------------

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers when...

 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

----------------------------------

1. Breathing

[DennisD]

Nice one Hazel, I haven't seen that before.

[Humpty]

Here's a pic of 5 ladies waiting for the perfect man to come along.