"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster." - Isaac Asimov
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Mark Twain
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain
(I've always liked Mark Twain!)
-----------------------------------
Also feel free to add your own.
"Yo Mammas' so fat, she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, and the doctor gave her 87 years to live!"
> Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
>
> A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
>
> Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
>
> Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
>
> Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
>
> A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
>
> A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
> Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
>
> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
>
> Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
>
> Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
>
> When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
>
> A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
>
> What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
>
> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
> In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
>
> She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
>
> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
> If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
>
> With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
>
> When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
>
Continuing with Corona's Yo Mamma.
"Yo Mamma's So Ugly, when she looked at her self in the mirror, it showed her the middle finger."
One of my favourites (I learn Brit English in India) " The only thing worse than people talking about you is, them not talking about you."
A few of Oscar Wilde quotes here.........
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the air, and got stuck!
(One of my favorites.)
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Great stuff Fluffy. Got a good chuckle at most of them
>> 1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
>>
>> 2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.
>>
>> 3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..
>>
>> 4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
>>
>> 5. 42.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
>>
>> 6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
>> Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
>>
>> 7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
>>
>> 8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
>>
>> 9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
>>
>> 10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
>>
>> 11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
>>
>> 12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The
>> Cheese.
>>
>> 13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
>>
>> 14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
>>
>> 15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
>>
>> 16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
>>
>> 17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
>>
>> 18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
>>
>> 19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
>>
>> 20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
>>
>> 21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
>>
>> 22. How Many Of You Believe In Psychokinesis? Raise My Hand.
>>
>> 23 . OK,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?
>>
>> 24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
>>
>> 25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously
>> Overlooked Something.
>>
>> 26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
>>
>> 27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
>>
>> 28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
>>
>> 29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
>>
>> 30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
>>
>> 31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
>>
>> 32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
>>
>> 33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
>>
>> 34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
>>
>> 35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
>>
>> 36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What
>> Happened.
>>
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the air, and got stuck!
Now this is what I call the thought of the day.
Now seriously, I found this one somewhere on msn a long time ago
and I saved it because it taught me a lot with just a simple sentence:
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than open it and remove all doubt"
Mark Twain
A lot of quotes in those lists posted above cracked me up. I noticed a few Steven Wright ones.
A person asked Confucius,
"What surprises you most about mankind?"
Confucious answered,
"They lose their health to make more money and then lose their money to restore their health. By thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor for the future and they live as if they will never die and they die as if they never lived."
If a pig loses his voice, will he be disgruntled? 
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although I'll keep trying.I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?He is living proof that man can live without a brain!Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.You are a couplet short of a sonnet.A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.All of your ancestors must number in the millions...It's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?Are your parents siblings?As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.Can I borrow your head for my rock garden?Calling you an idiot would be an insult to the stupid people.Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?Don't let your mind wander - it're far too small to be let out on its own.Don't you need a license to be that ugly?Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?Dont be ignorant all your life. Take a day off, why don't you?Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?I can see why you are often lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory.I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?I fart to make you smell better.I guess you prove that even God makes mistakes sometimes.I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.Kindness to animals is really important...So please give that face back to the gorilla.I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?I heard that when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can lose weight.I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ***.I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be mass nuclear annihilation.Is that your face--or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you've got a palm.Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!People have every right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege!Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.When I want your opinion, I'll rattle your cage!When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.The zoo called. The babboons want their butts back, so you'll have to find a new face.When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.You have the intelligence of a bucket of rocks.You have the warm personal charm of a millipede.You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.Your face is a waste of molecules.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They
> collided.
> At last report, the survivors were marooned
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
Without geometry, life is pointless
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
>
>
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
Ghandi, the Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis
>
> I have a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> bisatchel.
>
Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a
> big
> Army tank. 'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I
> won't stand in your way."
And finally..If it wasn`t for venetian blinds it would be curtains for the lot of us.........
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Rocky said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Rocky to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Love
Your daughter, Riya
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...
I love you!
Never Argue with a Woman!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Present For Husband
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
If a pig loses his voice, will he be disgruntled?
Is that the way you laugh? I like this quote.