Ok so here?s my problem.
I?m in charge of maintenance of the computer on the USS Enterprise and I?ve been having problems recently with a level 3 diagnostics program. Each time I run it I get weird results. When I ran it yesterday the photon torpedo tube sent a message saying we were out of photon torpedoes ? I know this isn?t true as we always have plenty in reserve. Also, the Automatic doors to the bridge closed unexpectedly and trapped Captain Picards nuts. ? The final odd thing is that the big viewing screen at the front of the bridge keeps changing view to show advertisements for porn.
My friend Data says he thinks it?s a virus but he wont help because he?s afraid he?ll catch it himself.
So what have I done ? I tried installing Norton Antivirus 4007 but when I tried to run it, the ship slowed from warp 8 down to impulse power. I contacted Microsoft who provided the Operating system for the ship but they said I?d have to upgrade it to their latest operating system (Windows Goodnight Vienna). They also said I?d need to download and install the latest security updates of which there are 7560.
The computer is a Dilithium chipset Pentium Core 56 Tri-Hexagon with 328,000 GB of Ram and an old soundblaster live sound card. Onboard graphics.
Could it be a virus ? we did have a deputation of Ferengi on board last week and I?m wondering if they?ve got anything to do with it.
Heard you guys and gals are pretty good at solving problems so thought I?d post here and see if you could help.